Tribute to Five Iron Frenzy

I decided to make a story out of FIF lyrics. Because I'm cool like that. Scene captions in **. and song names in (). Enjoy.




*Enter boy*

(Superpowers)
Bacon bits and jalapenos on my polish hot dog.
half a pound of potato chips,
and a beef jerky log.
I press my face to the window,
a wrapper sticks to my shirt.
Eight people in a stinky van,
a couple more couldn't hurt.
Eat some food off the floor.
I've developed a taste for bread mold.
Ride aroudn in a van,
don't take a shower for six weeks

*A dirty, nerdy boy: but he has brains*

(You Can't Handle This)
Through my glasses glare
you’ll see savoir faire
beneath my icy stare
I’ve got a retainer
Maybe I’m the physics main event
maybe I’m the chem club president
maybe even Texas Instruments
thinks that I’m coplanar.


*Boy meets girl*

(Pre-Ex-Girlfriend)
Watch her on the floor tonight
feel the crush she will incite
the spark of hope she will ignite
a beautiful sight
Softer than the lightest snows
watch her as the moment slows
in my face the door will close
and there she goes.
Pre-ex-girlfriend, that girl is just too fine
Pre-ex-girlfriend, leaving me behind

*Heartbroken he pines*

(Ugly Day)
Ugly Day the sun is shining,
Every cloud's got a silver lining.
Ugly day the skies are blue,
Now every day is ugly without you.

*He becomes depressed, longing for her still*

(Plan B)
Giving up, it never felt so good
welcome to plan B
Giving up, what is the likelihood
life could be so free?
Up to now in my life I have failed
all I’ve tried, it’s too hard
I think I’ve found my calling now
laying down, in the yard
Don’t you cry Momma, don’t you even weep
‘cause you know your son excels at sleep.

*The New Year comes, and he looks back his life*

(New Years Eve)
It's New Years Eve and I feel my insecurities,
are haunting me like ghosts, this sinking quicksand.
And then with thunderous praise and lofty adoration,
a second passes by, yet nothing changes.
I hate my skin, this grave I'm standing in.
Another change of years, and I wish I wasn't here.
A year goes by and I'm staring at my watch again,
and I dig deep this time,
for something greater than I've ever been,
life to ancient wineskins.
And I was blind but now I see.

*With the come of the new year, he finds a new strength in himself, to become what he didn't have the courage to be before*

(Cannonball)
Hulking, smashing, I come crashing,
nothing like when I was small.
I am unstoppable, I am the cannonball.

*as with all great changes, there is the new haircut*

(Phantom Mullet)
Feel the
power of the PHANTOM MULLET,
Tremble and cower from the PHANTOM MULLET,
White metal burn of the PHANTOM MULLET,
Combed straight or permed it's THE PHANTOM MULLET,

*The new boy, with his brains and haircut, becomes inspired to soar to do new and greater things*

(My Evil Plan to Save the World)
My evil plan to save the world,
just you wait 'till it's unfurled,
it'll go down in history.
It's prophetic, no it's not pathetic.
I can't believe I made it up myself.

*The girl returns, now that he is worthy of her affection. He turns her away because she is nothing more than a pretty face and a clone of her clique*

(Handbook for the Sellout)
You sunk your worth in being different,
just to be like your own kind.
You traded in objectiveness,
for the underground you follow blind.

*In the end, he moves to Canada, because he needs beavers and moose to save the world*

Welcome to Canada, it's the Maple Leaf State.
Canada, oh Canada it's great!
The people are nice and they speak French too.
If you don't like it, man, you sniff glue.
The Great White North, their kilts are plaid,
Hosers take off, it's not half bad.
I want to be where yaks can run free,
Where Royal Mounties can arrest me.
Let's go to Canada, let's leave today,
Canada, oh, Canada, I Si Vous Plait.
They've got trees, and mooses, and sled dogs,
Lots of lumber, and lumberjacks, and logs!
We all think it's kind of a drag,
That you have to go there to get milk in a bag.
They say "eh?" instead of "what?" or "duh?"
That's the mighty power of Canada.
I want to be where lemmings run into the sea,
Where the marmosets can attack me.
Let's go to Canada, let's leave today,
Canada, oh, Canada, I Si Vous Plait.

*FIN*

(That's how the Story Ends)
And that's how the story ends,
now you hear the score my friends.
We're finding answers, we're setting trends.
I guess that's how the story ends.